Freshman year is over. For the first time in my life, I felt the time go by. In highschool, we just moved onto the next year with no minding it. There was not much of a change for me. I went to the same high school for five years (8th grade-12th grade) and I grew there. I really felt it when I was a junior, but I also was getting older. I was a junior and I was mature. So, it flowed.
Now that I have been through a time and change as big as college… I feel the time going by. Not only because college was something new to adapt to, but because in my moments before the school year started up to now, I have felt so many things I did not anticipate feeling. I can feel and see the growth in myself, however. I thank God, that I made it this far.
I am accomplishing goals I have set for myself. I feel like when you’re young and you talk about what you want and what you want to do, older people do not take you all the way seriously. It’s a false sincerity. They want to support you, but aren’t connecting with your vision. You’re not even sure they actually believe you or believe in you. My parents have always believed in my capacity for greatness. There were sometimes when they didn’t take what I was doing seriously, but I have always taken everything I done seriously. I take school seriously, but I hate school at the same time. School is something adults take seriously because a lot of them are traditional. I take it seriously because it is what I am doing right now, but if I didn’t have to do school...
Yet, I still am going to push through. Honestly, being in college did not make me like college or the idea of college more. I did not have the experience everyone described about college. Maybe, all anyone could remember after so long are the highlights. But even people in college aren’t saying what their real experience is, especially as black people. At least, not the college students around me. Everyone’s just living their experience.
And now, as I type this, I am seeing the importance of sharing. I could have been more prepared, but everything I felt was not the end of the world. If anything I feel very new, but the same.
Honestly, as far as classes go, none of them made a great impact on me or made me feel like I needed to stay in college for them. But I am just paying for room and board. A few have definitely taught me, though. But they give me purpose for the day.
I realized, as well, that loneliness is not from a lack of people, but from a lack of purpose. People do mention that you may feel lonely in college-- it’s important to make friends. But you don’t make the kind of friends you need right off the bat. Yet, you make friends because they give your day purpose. I am used to being by myself, not necessarily lonely, so I never needed friends to do what I want to do. Some things are better with friends, but I go to concerts alone and I explore the city alone. Yet, some days I have found myself crying to myself-- or to my family-- accompanied by an immense feeling of loneliness. But it is just because, in a new environment, with new people, with new feelings, new responsibilities, my day-to-day lacked purpose-- not every day, though. There were tons of good days. But on those days, where I knew I had stuff to do, but I lacked the feeling of purpose, I felt lonely because I did not have friends who were available to give me something fun to do. This theory is still in development.
All in all, it has been a great year in college-- a very strange year, and a very trying year, but I cannot complain. So, thank You, God.
Stay tuned for further reflections on different parts of my experience... I will link them below.